Cecilia Galatolo
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Science has proven that falling in love is completely different from love itself. A neuroscientist, Dr. Brizendine, says: “Many people think that the loss of that romantic euphoria we feel in the early stages of falling in love is a sign that things are going badly in the relationship.” But she adds:“In reality, it may be a transitional phase toward a deeper, longer-lasting relationship, governed by different neurological circuits. Scientists believe that the ‘attachment network’ is a distinct brain system that replaces the dizzying intensity of passion with a more enduring feeling of peace, calm, and belonging” (The Female Brain, Rizzoli, pg. 100).
We could also say, in this regard, that many factors come into play in a relationship—including the couple’s individual will and emotional maturity—two factors that deeply effect the quality of love.
Also, we don’t choose to fall in love, but we do choose how to respond to our emotions. Emotions happen to us—sometimes they even surprise us. But the art of loving is something else entirely.
Falling in love isn’t enough to truly love
“Love” is one of the most frequently used words in the world—and also one of the most misunderstood.
People often use it to refer to very different situations or experiences that carry subtle but important distinctions.
Some believe that the concept of love is subjective. But it might be more accurate to say that different people have different experiences—and thus define love in different ways, according to what they know.
When we talk about romantic love, some think it’s entirely about emotions and feelings. But if we confuse love with infatuation, the relationship is likely to end—because infatuation, unlike love, is fleeting by nature.
As psychologist, Erich Fromm, explained in his classic The Art of Loving (written in 1957 but still incredibly relevant), love is not just a response to a selfish need; it is the art of loving someone for who they are.
Feeling something vs. offering your life
Love is often tied to the idea of giving and belonging. So, it’s not just an emotion we’re subjected to—it’s a choice.
To love, then, is not a passive condition we endure, but an action we take. It’s an actual decision—a choice to give yourself to someone else.
To obtain this kind of love, we need to look at it as a journey—one with distinct phases and characteristics.
When we accept this reality, we understand that infatuation, falling in love, and loving someone are three different things.
People who treat falling in love as if it were love itself run the risk of loving their own feelings more than the person they’re sharing them with.
Only someone who understands the distinction between falling in love and loving someone can make a real lifelong promise—like marriage.
You can promise to love—meaning you can be there and give your life to a person regardless of what you feel. But you can’t promise to feel something. We can’t promise that our heart will always beat the same way. But we can promise to stand by that person, for better or worse.
Finding the Right Rhythm
For the both the act of falling in love and loving someone to come into harmony, a relationship needs a strong foundation.
Jason and Crystalina Evert, a married couple from the U.S. who have spoken to thousands of high school students about relationships, offer this example:
“The taller the skyscraper, the deeper the foundation needs to be. Beneath the tallest skyscraper in the world are more than 100,000 tons of steel and concrete. In the same way, the foundation of a relationship determines its strength. If you want to build a lasting love, start with a long friendship.”
They also write: “The virtue of love isn’t something that just happens to couples. It’s a lifelong project” (How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul, pgs. 53–54).
