From envy to admiration – How can we overcome an emotion that wears us down?

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This year of the Jubilee, I was asked to do a podcast on the topic of redemption. As I thought about what I’d say, I realized just how often we associate our personal redemption with a sense of superiority over others—whether or not it’s real. We also risk evaluating our lives not based on talents and goals, but by constantly comparing ourselves to others, leaving room for a negative, destructive emotion: envy.

An emotion that distorts reality and leads to unhappiness

The screenwriters of Disney’s hit animated film “Inside Out 2” (2024) drew Envy as a little blue girl with a big head and big eyes for seeing the world around her. Those big eyes always seem to think that the grass on the other side is greener.

Envy’s body was drawn tiny, indicating an underlying sense of low self-esteem. People who envy others—or envy almost everyone—do not respect themselves.

While feeling is completely normal sometimes, it is also true that, when not countered and dealt with in everyday life, it can damage our lives and relationships.

Social networks foster—and exponentially increase—the risk of feeling envious or wanting to make others envious. These virtual marketplaces, which connect people who are far from us, are often used as “display cases.” The platforms don’t always foster sharing and fellowship; rather, they sometimes fuel competition.

We would like to offer four tips for focusing more on your own life rather than wearing yourself down by comparing yourself to what others seem to have and you seem to lack. 

1. Work on being grateful

The commandment “You shall not covet your neighbor’s things” is not only a form of respect for others, but a form of freedom, first and foremost, for ourselves. This allows us to stop lashing out at life just because we don’t have what our neighbor does. We can do this by beginning to give thanks for both small and great joys of our own. The more we learn to give thanks, the more we’ll find reasons to do so. It requires real practice, though: just like someone who starts running by going just one kilometer then, little by little, finds himself doing two and then three. Someone who starts giving thanks for three good aspects of his life every day will find himself soon appreciating five, then ten. We could say: if appetite comes from eating, gratitude comes from giving thanks!

2. Changing the subject if someone, in our presence, demeans another

Sometimes, putting an end to malicious comments—even if we didn’t initiate it—might not be easy. If we are honest, we find that speaking ill of someone can bring a sense of satisfaction. At least in that moment we can feel better than the person we demean. Yet, it’s not real joy; it’s an ephemeral pleasure. Joy that lasts is always based in actions that edify. Another exercise in overcoming envy is to do everything to stay out of envy- and superiority-laden conversations and to put an end to them. If we can’t, then we walk away from the conversation.  

3. Strive to compliment the very person we instinctually want to tear down out of envy

“Compete in esteeming one another”: this is a passage from a letter of St. Paul. We can learn—even if we face an inner struggle to do so—to see and recognize the good in others. Striving to compliment each other when we notice a talent, an achievement, or something beautiful and good in the other is an excellent antidote against the envy that the person’s blessing brings out you.

In doing so, you have nothing to lose but so much to gain. Humility and esteem make relationships more mature, deep, grounded, and beautiful.

4. Learn from the person who has more than us or is better at something. You can be their ally instead of an adversary

It may be true that something important is still missing in your life, but you have to admit: by envying the other person, you gain nothing—not emotional stability, not a more fulfilling job, nor stronger relationships. Rather, it’s constructive to ask yourself what you can learn from the person you admire: what virtues of theirs can you try to take on? The secret is to shift from envy to admiration. This can lead you, too, to take the necessary steps to realize your dreams that you might’ve buried in a drawer somewhere.